Supervised by an occupational therapist
It is often said that letting children fully "depend on you" is important in raising them.
However, "letting children depend on you" and "spoiling them" mean very different things. Leaning too far toward "spoiling" can harm a child's growth.
The risk of confusing "spoiling" with "letting them depend on you"
It's not unusual for parents to spoil their children hoping they will "feel full of their parents' love" and "have high self-esteem." Some may end up spoiling them simply because they adore them. But "spoiling" and "letting them depend on you" are different, and their effects on children differ greatly.
Letting children depend on you builds attachment between parent and child, plants the seeds of independence, and eventually helps the child build trusting relationships with people outside the family.
On the other hand, spoiling teaches children that every demand will be met, making them selfish. They may keep relying on Mom and Dad forever and fail to become emotionally and socially independent.
The difference between "spoiling" and "letting them depend on you"
Spoiling includes behavior often called "getting ahead of them," overprotection or overinterference: stepping into everything a child does out of worry or the thought that "they can't do it anyway." Even when parents know they shouldn't spoil their children, they sometimes do it without realizing. For example, dressing a child who can dress themselves because there's no time before going out, or tidying up their toys because it's faster and neater if the parent does it.
Small children can't do every task alone, so there are times they need support, but it's important not to put the parent's convenience first and to let children act on their own as much as possible!
On the other hand, "letting them depend on you" means meeting a child's emotional needs. "Depending" can have a negative image, but not all depending is bad. Depending on parents is also how children confirm their parents' love. Having a place where they feel absolutely safe and someone who loves them lets children go out into the world with confidence. You may worry that letting them depend on you will keep them from becoming independent...
It's also important to keep encouraging independence. The child is the main actor, their pace is respected, and parents step in only when they truly can't manage. For example, when a child wants to borrow a friend's toy but is too shy to ask, instead of the parent asking the friend for them, the parent asks "Can I borrow it?" together with the child.
Children who have been allowed to depend on their parents and grandparents develop higher self-esteem and can try again even after failing. They also become able to ask others for help and show their weaker side. On top of that, they become better at trusting people and more caring toward others. Letting children depend on you can be said to nurture the strength to live and the foundation for building relationships.
Spoiling children keeps independence from growing
On the other hand, constant spoiling keeps independence from growing, and children end up relying on their parents forever. Children grow up shaped by how their parents respond. If their demands are always accepted, they come to believe that their parents will buy them anything if they ask, or help them even if they don't do it themselves. It also takes away the fun of acting on their own and the joy of succeeding after struggling. For a child to grow, sometimes it's necessary to be firm and let them endure and struggle.
When spoiling escalates to the extreme...
A man in his 60s with a mental illness, who has withdrawn from society, is cared for by his father in his 90s; his mother has already passed away. The father, devoted to his son and pitying his mental state, has done all the housework himself. People around him urged him to have his son do something, but the devoted father refused to listen and carried the whole burden himself.
Today is the anniversary of his late wife's death. He wanted to visit her grave with his son, but the son refused, saying he was in a bad mental state and hadn't been able to bathe. The father had allowed everything, but on this one day he felt differently. He visited every year on this day and wanted to go with his son today too. Since his son said he couldn't go, the father took a firm stance: he would go alone by train and bus, even if it meant needing an ambulance or the police. He showed that firm stance because he wanted his son to come along. But his body had grown so weak he could barely walk.
Even so, though the son worried about his father's health, he did not say he would go with him, even on his mother's memorial day. He couldn't make the effort for even that one day a year, citing his mental state and not having bathed as his reasons.
There is an old saying in Japan, "the soul of a three-year-old lasts until a hundred," and it is said that a person's character is largely formed by age six. Those raising children tend to spoil them or, pressed for time, do things for them, but to prevent spoiling, it's a good idea to set some rules. Even if you find it hard to be strict with your child, rules you decide together with your child should be easier to keep!
We want to teach children from a young age so that, as adults, they can live by their own strength and get back up on their own even when they fall.
