It's natural to sometimes have negative feelings toward your child
On the endless journey of raising children, getting irritated with your child, or feeling disgusted with yourself for feeling that way, is not unusual at all. It's a natural psychological reaction that can happen to anyone. "Always smiling, always staying positive with your child" is, realistically, an impossible ideal.
That's because raising children is also built on "a deep relationship between one human being and another." Parents are imperfect people too; they carry stress in daily life and sometimes reach the limits of their physical and mental strength.
The surrounding environment also greatly affects your state of mind.
* Is there enough cooperation with your partner?
* Are you in a "solo parenting" situation, carrying the responsibility alone?
If you are pushed to the limit physically and mentally, losing control of your emotions is a natural defensive reaction. First, stop blaming yourself for "becoming negative", and acknowledge the fact that you have been working that hard.
What lies behind the pain of parenting: the chain of trauma
However, there are cases that can't be explained by lack of sleep or fatigue alone: "I want to love my child, but I just can't love them well," or "I often feel anger toward my child that seems excessive even to me, or unreasonable jealousy." In such cases, it is very likely that some "trauma (psychological wound)" the parent experienced in the past is behind those feelings.
1. Trauma from the parent-child relationship in childhood
What has the most influence is your own relationship with your family when you were a child.
* You were physically or emotionally abused by your parents
* You were regularly told cold things that denied who you were
* You experienced neglect, as if you didn't exist
If you carry trauma this strong, the moment you try to "be kind" or "connect positively" with your child, painful memories you had sealed away can be stirred up unconsciously.
The source of the inner conflict
"Why do I have to do so much for this child? When I was a child, nobody was ever this kind to me..."
Unresolved questions and anger toward your own parents can turn into jealousy or rejection of your child. This clash between the "positive feeling" of wanting to give love and the "negative feeling" coming from old wounds is painful beyond words, like being torn apart (;_;)
2. Trauma from other stages of life
Trauma isn't limited to the parent-child relationship in childhood. Experiences like these can also cast a dark shadow over raising children today.
Trauma in partnerships: Domestic violence, emotional abuse or betrayal by a spouse or partner
Trauma in social relationships: Workplace harassment, or serious bullying at school
Trauma from disasters and accidents: Accidents, being a victim of crime, or the sudden loss of a loved one
For some people, several of these different kinds of trauma overlap and become complicated and intertwined.
Breaking the cycle between generations and moving toward good parenting
To practice "good parenting" that supports a child's healthy growth, you first need to understand the true meaning of raising children, overcome your own trauma, and interact with your child in healthy patterns.
So how can we stand up to trauma, which holds us back? The key is a strong will "not to be dragged back by the past (not to look back)". Of course, it's not as easy as it sounds.
"Separate" the past from the present
Looking objectively at the moment trauma comes back, you could say it's "a ghost from the past threatening the precious time with your child here and now, and trying to drag you into darkness." If left alone, a "negative chain" occurs, in which you unconsciously make your child feel the pain you received from your own parents.
That's why it's important to draw a clear line, "the past is the past, now is now," and keep choosing, day by day, to step toward the future. But if you try to do this entirely on your own, you will reach a limit someday.
To truly break the vicious cycle and create a new future, it's essential to consciously include "processes that connect you with the outside world and other people," like the ones below.
[5 processes to break the cycle of the past]
[Observe] Look objectively at your "bad feelings (irritation, anger)" and grasp them
[Separate] Recognize: "This isn't about my child in front of me; it's my old wound"
[Express] Instead of bottling it up, "talk to someone" you trust and lighten the weight on your heart
[Self-care] "Praise yourself fully" for not repeating the past
[Acceptance] Create chances to "be praised by others," be acknowledged objectively, and reframe the negatives of your past as positives
3 approaches that support the process
To control the murky feelings that well up inside and switch to new patterns, these three concrete actions help a great deal.
(1) "Talk to someone" you trust
When you carry trauma and the pain of parenting alone, your thoughts spiral into negativity, and you can start to feel as if you are the only bad parent in the world.
That's why it's important to put your feelings into words and share them (to let them out) with "someone who will listen without denying your pain," such as your partner, a friend, a professional counselor or a parenting support service.
In Japanese, the word for "talk" (hanasu) sounds the same as the word for "let go." Just putting the feelings swirling inside you into words helps your mind sort things out, and you should feel surprisingly lighter.
(2) "Praise yourself" for not repeating the cycle
We tend to notice and feel down about what we couldn't do (like yelling at our child), yet pay little attention to "the times we held back."
If you desperately held on so as not to give your child the cold treatment you received from your parents, that is a near-miraculous effort. Please don't take for granted the fact that "I'm trying to break the cycle here" and "I'm living a different choice than my parents did." At the end of each day, tell yourself, "You held on again today without repeating the cycle. You did really well," and praise yourself with everything you have.
(3) Create chances to "be praised by others"
When you are so worn out that even praising yourself feels hard, you need to borrow others' strength and have your efforts acknowledged objectively.
Parenting efforts tend to stay shut inside the home, making it a lonely fight that no one recognizes. That's why you should try honestly telling someone you trust, "I'm really trying hard right now, aren't I?" or "I want you to recognize that I'm raising my child while fighting my old wounds."
When someone else tells you, "You're doing really well" or "Your child is lucky to have you," the wounds you had closed off begin to heal, and new energy to manage your emotions wells up from deep inside.
Take care of yourself and move forward step by step
Needless to say, this process takes enormous energy and extraordinary patience. Facing your own wounds while still looking toward the future for your child's sake is a wonderful challenge, worthy of heartfelt praise and of immeasurable value to future generations.
However, there is one thing I want to stress: "Please don't push yourself too hard!"
There is a limit to how much emotion a person can handle at once. If you demand perfection and stretch yourself too tight, one day you may suddenly lose control completely. Leave yourself room to forgive, thinking, "I didn't do well today, but that's being human."
Also, some people feel intense loneliness or pain wash over them right after feeling relieved that they "were kind to their child" or "set a good example." That's because, seeing their child's happy face, "the past self who was never rescued" is crying. At those times, gently hug the little you inside your heart (your inner child), just as you would praise your child for doing well.
Days spent struggling to build a good relationship with your child while carrying trauma are never easy. But the bond you build with your child by overcoming those difficulties will, in time, surely save your own heart and come back to you as great happiness.
Please don't carry it all alone. Encourage and celebrate the small steps you took today, and keep moving toward the future.
Supervised by an occupational therapist
