Of course it can lead to depression! A husband doesn't do housework.

Wife looking tired while doing housework

Many women are troubled by a husband who does no housework at all.



Even as ideas of gender equality and dual-income households spread in modern society, there are still husbands who do no housework at all. Some of them are absorbed in their own work or hobbies, and some simply leave the housework alone.



But when both partners work or childcare is demanding, it is only natural to worry about, and wish for, your husband's help with the housework.



This article explains, for women, why husbands don't do housework and how to deal with a husband who doesn't.



Here are four effective ways to deal with a husband who doesn't do housework.



(1) Tell Him You Want Him to Help With the Housework

Nothing starts unless you say it first. If you're staying silent and waiting for your husband to notice on his own, you should most likely stop.



Don't expect your husband to notice by himself, or even if he does, to start doing housework on his own initiative.



At times a husband may be made aware by society in some situation, butwaiting for that only makes the problem bigger and bigger.



While you do the housework out of your responsibility as a parent, to protect your home and your children, a husband who notices nothing makes you feel more and more "What on earth is going on?"and as time passes, negative feelings build up and you lose your own emotional control.



Learn to tell your husband, skillfully, that you want him to do housework.



One caution here: even if you tell him clearly once and he doesn't seem to understand, avoid being disappointed in him, giving up, or exploding. Above all, you want to avoid it turning into a big fight.



If your husband is willing to listen, the trick is to tell him many times. People sometimes come to realize something after being told repeatedly, and hearing the same thing over and over lets them grasp how big the problem is. There are also cases where the husband simply doesn't see this as a big problem in the first place.



It's also fine to bring it up with a bit of humor at times. Adding humor makes it possible to say it many times.If you're always too serious, you may lose control yourself.If humor is hard, just mention it lightly.


There are several tips for the kind of "call-outs" a wife might use.

Tip! Be specific, and make the deadline and method clear.

Set aside the expectation of "I want him to just get it" or "I want him to notice," and say clearly what you want done and how.

Example: "After you finish eating, could you wash the dishes with the detergent and sponge here and leave them in this drying rack?"

Example: "It would really help if you could put the trash out at the collection point on Saturday morning."

Tip! Say specifically "what," "by when," "where," and "how."

Especially if he's not used to housework, it's kind to tell him where the tools are kept, too.

Caution! Avoid "Please do this and this too!"

If you ask "and this too while you're at it" when he finishes something, he tends to feel "I just did something for you." Ask for one specific task at a time from the start.

(2) Start by Asking for Easy Chores

If it seems you can ask him to do housework, start by setting the difficulty low.

If you suddenly ask "Make dinner," a man who doesn't normally cook will be at a loss.


Start by asking for simple jobs such as washing dishes, taking out the trash, bringing in the laundry, or cleaning the bath.


Caution! Don't let him get away with excuses.

Depending on the situation he may be tired or busy and you may sympathize, but if he always gets away, the problem gets postponed and the habit of not doing housework becomes further ingrained. So try to have him do it continuously (from once a week to every day) so that he comes to see housework as one of his jobs and one of his habits.



Tip! If your husband has never done housework, anyone would feel some resistance or refusal at first, so do it together with him.

I think it is important to do it together to remove the resistance and refusal, and to make him feel that he can do it alone and that it isn't so unpleasant.


Caution! If doing it together only makes you more irritated, avoid doing the same task side by side.

Doing housework together is a good way to ease his resistance, but it isn't always the right answer.


For example, he may be clumsy or poor at organizing the steps, and even after doing it together several times, nothing improves. Watching from beside him, you start to think, "Why are you doing it that way?" or "It would be faster if I just did it myself."


If you keep working side by side while irritated, your tone gets sharper and you end up criticizing him. He may feel "I get scolded even when I help," and stop doing housework altogether. That would defeat the whole point of doing it together.


If the irritation keeps building, we recommend that you stop doing the same task together.


Tip! Split the tasks and do them separately

Example: While you cook, he cleans the bath.

Example: While you hang the laundry, he gathers the trash and takes it out.

If you aren't working on the same task in the same space, you won't see how he does it. Your mood is much less likely to be disturbed.


Tip! Leave him in charge of the result, not the method

Decide up front what "good enough" looks like, and don't comment on how he gets there. Even if he does it differently, count it as a pass if the goal is met.


Tip! Find the chores that suit him

Some men struggle with cooking, which needs planning, but do well at chores with a fixed routine, such as taking out the trash or cleaning the bath. Finding chores that suit him and handing them over is another good approach.


What matters is that you don't wear yourself out in the name of getting him to do housework. Not doing it together is also a perfectly good strategy.




(3) Thank Him When He Does the Housework

Thanking someone isn't so easy. The longer he did no housework at all, the more some women have built up frustration, so thanking him for doing a little is psychologically hard, and it varies from person to person.

But when your husband gets the housework done, thank him and praise him, whatever the result.



You might wonder, "Is there anything to thank him for in taking out the trash?" but being thanked feels good.



Exchanging thanks and praise is very important communication. If you make this kind of communication a habit, then if there are any negative feelings, it will ease them and make your relationship warmer.

Tip! Say "thank you" plus how you feel.

Example: "Wow, amazing! The windows are sparkling! It's so clean, it really helped me, thank you!"

Example: "The ○○ you made was so delicious. I'd love to have it again!"

Point: Not just "thank you," but putting into words how you feel, such as "that helped" or "I'm happy," gives him the sense that he was useful.

Praise the result (don't criticize)

Even if he did it differently, it's important to first acknowledge his effort and praise him.

Bad example: "You went to the trouble, but this spot is dirty."

Recommended: Say specifically, "Amazing! Thank you! And if you don't mind, next time it would be perfect if you could do this part like this too," or simply share "This is how I always do it" on another occasion.

(4) Put the Division of Chores in a Chart

Once he has started getting into the habit of doing at least some housework, making a chore-sharing chart is one option.



What each household wants done will differ, from the child's dinner to bathing and putting them to bed, but talk with your husband and find a method that works for you both.


Tip! Propose the division of roles as a "strategy meeting."

Example: Some people get defensive if you say "Let's talk about how to divide the housework from now on," so try something like "Let's hold a strategy meeting about how we run our home from now on!"

Rephrasing it in positive words like this and showing you want to plan together is also effective.

2. Why Don't Husbands Do Housework in the First Place?


Let's look at the psychology behind why husbands don't do housework.

A husband who doesn't do housework probably has his own arguments.

He probably has several of the following reasons.



(1) He Hasn't Kept Up With the Change in Circumstances

This situation, in which the woman does the housework so he doesn't have to, or he can do what he likes, is comfortable for a man, and he may think it will go on forever.



Also, many women instinctively like taking care of others.
In the early days of marriage, both the housework and looking after your husband may have felt enjoyable.



But married life changes over time.


The circumstances around a couple keep changing: the wife starts working, a child is born, a parent needs care, and so on.


A wife riding these waves of change gradually comes to feel it's unfair that she alone does the housework.


But the husband stays at the pace of the early marriage. It's no wonder she thinks, "What is with this person?"


He may have forgotten that he can do his work thanks to your efforts.

Women who work can often be grateful that they can devote themselves to work because their husbands do the housework, but unfortunately men often take it for granted.


(2) He's Tired

Some husbands don't do housework simply because they're tired.


For this reason, even if he lived alone and had to tidy and do laundry himself, fatigue would pile up and he still wouldn't be able to.

In cases where the work is physically heavy or he holds a highly responsible position, he may have no room, physically or mentally, to do housework.


(3) He Feels Housework Is a Woman's Job

It's also true that many people still believe women should stay home and protect the household, because that was how it was in his parents' generation.

The era a person grew up in and what their own family was like as a child greatly influence how they think.
Such a husband probably feels that even in a dual-income household, a woman's "main" job is housework and childcare, and she works a little within the range of her "spare time."


Even if you silently wait for him to do housework, the day such a husband does it will never come.


(4) He Doesn't Understand How Hard It Is to Do Housework Alone

A husband who has never done housework won't understand how hard it is at all, even if his wife is working hard at it. People only learn what something is really like by experiencing it, so it's hard to imagine what you've never experienced.


So all the more, have your husband experience housework and get to know you better.


I think it also leads to the two of you growing closer. Put another way, you are asking him to do housework and experience it for the sake of your marriage.


(5) It Doesn't Bother Him

Housework broadly means cleaning, laundry, and cooking, but some men hardly mind if the house is dirty or messy
, if underwear and clothes aren't washed clean, or if meals aren't homemade.


He thinks housework can be covered with minimal effort, so he doesn't expect you, his wife, to push yourself to do it either.


(6) He Gets Complaints Even When He Does It

There are surely many husbands who tried in the past, were criticized by their wives, and stopped.


If he gets nothing but criticism even after making the effort, he sulks.


Sulky ways of speaking to your husband backfire, so avoid them.


3. Think About Housework Efficiency

Alongside your approach to your husband, one thing you must never forget is the perspective of "reducing the total amount of housework itself."

No matter how much your husband starts to help, if the housework itself has too many steps, it will keep causing frustration for both of you. Bring in modern conveniences and small tricks to cut your daily workload to the minimum.

Here are three especially recommended efficiency ideas.


(1) Meals: Minimize the Hassle of Washing and Putting Away

Preparing and cleaning up three meals a day is one of the most energy-consuming chores. Simply simplifying this makes a big difference to your peace of mind.

Use one-plate meals

Pros: Instead of separate small dishes for each side dish, serving everything on one large plate (one-plate meal) dramatically reduces the number of dishes to wash. Serving and clearing up are over in a flash.

Cons: Soupy side dishes may run together, and the table can look a bit monotonous. If that bothers you, choose a plate with dividers.


Standardize all chopsticks to the same kind

Pros: After washing, there is no pointless nameless chore of "finding the pair" when putting them away or using them. Any pair you pick up is the right one, so it's easier to ask your husband or kids to set the table.

Cons: You lose the fun of using your own favorite pair, but that's a small price for everyday ease.


Get a dishwasher

Pros: All the time you spent washing dishes is freed up. It washes at higher temperature and pressure than hand-washing, so it's more hygienic, and it actually saves water.

Cons: It requires upfront cost and installation space, and dishes that aren't dishwasher-safe (such as lacquerware and some plastics) still have to be washed by hand.



(2) Laundry: Eliminate Hanging and Bringing In

The bottleneck of laundry is that it has too many steps: washing, hanging, bringing in, and folding.

Get a dryer (washer-dryer)

If you have a separate washer and dryer, you can run them at the same time, which saves time!

Pros: The heavy work of "hanging" and "bringing in" drops to zero. You no longer have to worry about the weather, and even at night your laundry comes out fluffy at the press of a button.

Cons: Running costs such as electricity and gas, and some clothes are prone to shrinking or damage. You'll need to sort clothes to dry and delicate clothes from the start.



(3) Cleaning: Create an Environment Where You Can Do It Right When You Notice

Create a system where you don't have to brace yourself with "Okay, time to clean."

Use a cordless vacuum

Pros: No hassle of plugging and unplugging, or dragging a heavy unit around. The moment you notice hair or dust on the floor, you can vacuum it up with one hand, so the hurdle to cleaning drops dramatically. It also makes it easy to casually ask your husband, "Could you vacuum that spot?"

Cons: Run time is limited (battery life), and suction power may be slightly weaker than corded canister types. But more models now have plenty of specs for everyday "little-by-little cleaning."



Summary

Start by asking for "simple tasks" (taking out the trash, cleaning the bath, and so on) so he can build success experiences, and repeat "say it specifically" and "praise him generously." This often gradually raises his willingness to take part in the housework.

Why not start by choosing one chore you think you could ask him to do, and try the kind of call-outs above?



Supervised by an occupational therapist
I also write about the following topics on the blog. Please stop by if you like.

Introduction to Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT): Correcting the "Schema" Rules of the Mind

Related article: A CBT approach to a husband who won't do housework

"My Husband Won't Do Housework": A CBT Approach and How to Talk About It

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