It's Natural to Sometimes Have Negative Feelings Toward Your Child
On the endless journey of parenting, feeling irritated with your child, or feeling disgusted with yourself for thinking that way, is by no means rare. It is a natural psychological phenomenon that can happen to anyone. "Always smiling and staying positive with your child at all times" is nothing more than an unrealistic ideal.
That's because parenting, too, rests on "a deep relationship between one human being and another". Parents are also imperfect human beings, who carry stress in daily life and can reach the limits of their physical and mental strength.
On top of that, your surroundings greatly affect your state of mind.
* Do you have a solid cooperative arrangement with your partner?
* Are you shouldering all the responsibility alone in so-called "solo parenting"?
If you are exhausted in both body and mind, losing control of your emotions is a natural defensive reaction. First, stop blaming yourself for "being negative," and acknowledge the fact that you are working that hard.
What Lies Behind the Pain of Parenting: The Chain of Trauma
However, there are cases that can't be explained by lack of sleep or tiredness alone: "I want to love my child but somehow can't love them well," or "Intense anger or irrational jealousy toward my child, excessive even by objective standards, often wells up." In such cases, it is extremely likely that behind those feelings lies some kind of "trauma (psychological injury)" the parent suffered in the past.
1. Trauma From Parent-Child Relationships in Childhood
The most influential is the relationship you had with your family when you yourself were a child.
* You were physically or emotionally abused by your parents
* You were routinely subjected to cold words that denied your character
* You experienced neglect, where your very existence was ignored
If you carry strong trauma like this, the moment you try to "be kind" or "engage positively" with your child, the painful memories you had sealed away are awakened unconsciously.
What Is Really Happening in the Conflict Inside You
"Why do I have to do so much for this child? When I was a child, no one was ever this kind to me..."
This kind of unresolved question and anger toward your own parents gets swapped out and comes out as jealousy or rejection toward your child.This conflict, in which the "positive feeling" of wanting to give love collides fiercely with the "negative feeling" from past wounds, brings pain too great for words, a feeling of being torn apart. (;_;)
2. Trauma From Other Stages of Life
Trauma isn't limited to parent-child relationships in childhood. Experiences like the following can also cast a dark shadow over your parenting today.
Trauma in partnerships: domestic violence, emotional abuse, or emotional betrayal from a spouse or partner
Trauma in social relationships: power harassment at a past workplace, or serious bullying during school days
Trauma from unforeseen disasters and accidents: accidents, being a victim of crime, or the sudden loss of someone dear
For some people, trauma from several of these different categories overlaps and becomes complexly entangled.
Breaking the Cycle Across Generations and Moving Toward Good Parenting
To practice "good parenting" that supports your child's healthy growth, you first need to understand the true meaning of parenting, overcome your own trauma, and relate to your child in healthy patterns.
So how can we face the harmful effect of trauma that holds us back?The key is having a strong will not to be dragged down by the past (not to look back). Of course, it isn't as easy as it sounds.
"Separate" the Past From the Present
If you calmly observe the moment trauma comes back, you could say it is "a state in which the ghost of the past is threatening the precious time with your child here and now, and trying to drag you into the dark". If left alone, a "negative chain" occurs, in which you unconsciously make your child feel the same pain you received from your parents.
That is why it is important to draw a clear line, "the past is the past, and now is now," and to keep making the choice to step toward the future every day. But if you try to keep this entirely within your own heart, you will hit your limit someday.
To break the vicious cycle at its root and create a new future, it is essential to consciously adopt "processes that connect you with the outside world and other people," such as the following.
[5 Processes for Breaking the Vicious Cycle of the Past]
[Observe] Objectively observe and understand your own "bad feelings (irritation and anger)"
[Distinguish] Recognize that "this isn't about the child in front of me; it's my own past wound"
[Express] Don't bottle things up; put down the weight in your heart by "talking to someone" you trust
[Self-Love] "Praise yourself thoroughly" for not repeating the past
[Acceptance] Create chances to "be praised by others," be acknowledged objectively, and re-recognize the negatives of your past as positives
3 Approaches That Support the Process
To control the murky feelings welling up inside you and switch to new patterns, the following three specific actions can be a great help.
(1) Talk to Someone You Trust
When you hold trauma and the pain of parenting alone, your thoughts fall into a more and more negative loop, and you may even feel as if you are the only bad parent in the world.
That's why, with a partner, a friend, a professional counselor, or a parenting support service, someone who will listen without denying your pain, it is important to put your feelings into words and confide in them (get them out, or "output" them).
The act of speaking (話す, hanasu) is also connected to letting go (放す, hanasu), as the kanji suggest. Just putting the emotions swirling inside you into words helps your brain sort things out, and you will likely feel your heart become surprisingly lighter.
(2) "Praise Yourself" for Not Repeating the Vicious Cycle
We tend to notice sharply the things we couldn't do (such as yelling at our children) and get discouraged, while overlooking "the times we held back."
If you have been desperately enduring so as not to make the child in front of you experience the cold treatment you received from your parents, that is a miraculous effort. Please don't take for granted the fact that "I am trying to break the vicious cycle of the past right here" and "I am now living a different choice from that parent".At the end of the day, say to yourself, "You held on today without repeating the cycle. You were truly great," and praise yourself wholeheartedly.
(3) Create Chances to "Be Praised by Others"
When you're so exhausted that even praising yourself feels difficult, you need to borrow the strength of others and have your effort acknowledged objectively.
The effort of parenting tends to stay locked inside the home, becoming a lonely struggle that no one evaluates. That's why it's worth honestly telling someone you trust, "I'm really doing my best, aren't I?" or "I want you to recognize that I'm raising my child while fighting past wounds."
When a third party says things like "You're really doing well" or "Your child is happy to have you as a parent," the wounds of a heart that was stubbornly closed begin to heal, and new energy for controlling your emotions starts to well up from deep inside.
Take Care of Yourself and Move Forward One Step at a Time
This process, needless to say, takes enormous energy and extraordinary patience. Your attitude of facing your own emotional wounds while still looking toward the future for your child's sake is a wonderful challenge of immeasurable value for future generations, one truly worthy of praise.
However, there is one thing I want to tell you strongly here: "Please never push yourself too hard!".
There is a limit to how much emotion a person can process at one time. If you demand perfection and stay too tense, you may one day suddenly lose control of your mind completely. Leave yourself some room to forgive yourself, thinking "I didn't do well today, but that's only human."
Also, some people, right after feeling relieved that they "were able to be kind to their child" or "showed good behavior,"are suddenly hit by intense loneliness and painful feelings for some reason.That is because, seeing your child's happy face, the "past self who was never saved" is crying. At those times, just as you would praise your child for their effort, please gently hug the little child inside your heart (your inner child).
The days of struggling to build a good relationship with your child while carrying trauma are never an easy road. But the bond with your child that you build by overcoming those difficulties will, in the end, surely save your own heart someday and return to you as great happiness.
Please don't carry this alone. Encourage and honor the small step you took today, and keep moving toward the future.
I've written other articles too. Please take a look if you like.
Understanding the Causes of Postpartum Depression: Why Is It So Hard?
5 Basic Activities to Organize Your Busy Parenting Life
No Wonder You Feel Depressed! The Husband Who Won't Help With Housework
Written by Occupational Therapist, Toshinobu Kitakoji